#10 - or, haven't we done this before?

Posted by emmett on August 3, 2010

It’s Tuesday evening, and tomorrow is round #10 of Chemo. I sometimes wonder if I will tire of counting Chemo’s, if the thought of going just one more time makes me want to call in sick and not go (can you do that?). I am beginning to weary of the treatments though. What started out as looking forward to something getting rid of the cancer, has slowly turned to something I don’t look forward to quite as much. I have noticed a trend in myself, in going from eagerly heading to chemo, to battle this thing, to going more so out of a sense of duty, or obligation. While I don’t think this is necessarily bad, I worry that it is a slippery slope for me mentally, sliding towards a mindset of defeat. This is something I want to fight against. I want to constantly have a mindset of victory over this battle raging inside of me. It may sound overly ambitious to say I want this mindset all the time, but I think it will take just that level of thinking, of preparing, of fighting, to kick this thing.

When I feel myself flagging in these areas, I am somehow gently reminded of what I am fighting for, or who I am fighting for. It comes in the form of a good conversation with wendy, or something thoughtful that she does, like preparing me a cup of hot tea at night, or shopping for things for me to eat, anything to help me. Or, it comes in the form of a little three year olds hand resting on me asking if I am ok, or that same little boy wanting to snuggle up with me, or asking me super politely if I would read his bedtime stories to him, or play a game with him. It brings tears to my eyes several times a day when Quinn or wendy do things like this. I am reminded that I am not selfishly fighting, but I am fighting to be able to be around for years, to help raise and parent and love on our little boy, and I am fighting to be able to grow old with my wife, and to cover her in love, and to continuously pamper her for the time she took to nurse me back to health during this rough time.

It was a blessing to get ringside seats at my brothers wedding, but I listened to the exchange of vows with a new perspective on things. “through sickness and through health” took on a new meaning. I was touched by how we pledge through sickness first, which is the hardest time to love, especially when sickness can be so long reaching, and can disrupt things for an incredibly long time. I thought a lot about how it also doesn’t put restrictions on who is loving whom through sickness, but that it is still a two way street, that even in extreme sickness, as wendy loves on me and nurtures me, that I still need to be conscious of her needs, and need to love on her as much as I can. I fail so often in that category, getting caught up in “my suffering”, or whatnot. I sometimes feel like I deserve to be loved on, without the expectation that I should love back just as earnestly. It’s something I am working on changing.

So please continue to lift us up, as we struggle through this cancer. And remember to wear your Team Emmett wear tomorrow as we go through another round of Chemo. Thank you, in advance, for your prayers tomorrow, and throughout this week, which I know will help sustain us, and bring us through another round -

Concert Reminder

Posted by wendy on August 6, 2010

Don’t forget the upcoming concert on August 31st! It’s just around the corner, so make your plans now to attend. There is some concern it might fill up, so I suggest you get your tickets in advance. Some reminders:

• The show starts at 6:30, and there will be Chick-fil-a for sale, so you can come from work if you need to and grab a sandwich, chips, and drink.
• Tickets are cheaper if purchased in advance.
• It’s a Tuesday night, so remember to plan ahead for Wednesday school! (I know I’m making my plans early so that my homework still gets done!)
• There are some groups coming from Atlanta and other places. If you want to ride with another group, let us know and we’ll put you in contact with someone in your area that is also coming.
• There will be a silent auction, including YMCA memberships, drums and percussion equipment, a year of free Chick-fil-a, and some other things. So come prepared to have a little fun.
• Come early to get a good parking space!
• If you can’t make it to the concert, there are plans in the works to webcast the concert live. We’ll get back to you on the details, as someone else is putting that together.

We love you guys and look forward to celebrating and worshiping with you at the concert.

A Photography Shoot Benefitting Team Emmett

Posted by emmett on August 7, 2010

For those of you who have not heard yet, a very good friend of mine (who also happens to be a great photographer) is putting on a photography shoot to help raise funds for Team Emmett. Right now she is taking bookings for the weekend of Saturday, September 11 and Sunday September 12 in Atlanta. Sittings will be on a first come first serve basis and will be held at Stone Mountain Park. For more information regarding sitting prices and/or to ask for more information regarding the benefit shoot, feel free to check out her blog here.

So for those of you who aren’t in nashville, and can’t make the concert, or are looking for a great family portrait for Christmas or other occasion and want to donate Team Emmett, here’s your chance! Thanks so much again for loving on us, and encouraging us. We greatly appreciate everyone of you!

Clearing the air

Posted by emmett on August 10, 2010

It’s late here. Midnight to be exact. I have been lying awake for the past hour and a half or more, trying to fall asleep. You guessed it – to no avail. Sometimes this happens, especially when coming off of a round of chemo . . .My brain finally shakes off the chemo fuzzy, which is nice, I can start holding coherent thoughts again, I can begin remembering why I walked to the other end of the house, I can plan ahead for the next day and remember what I planned when said day arrives . . . the downside, is that my brain is so excited that it can do this that it goes into overdrive, and I can’t shut it off. I definitely don’t want to take anything to shut the brain down, to sleep, since I have just spent a week in a haze of days, conversations and misplaced thoughts. so instead, I am blogging, hoping to purge my head of the random thoughts that are bouncing around in there. so what follows has no real organization, and all grammatical errors should be attributed to late night typing!

One of the things I have been wrestling with tonight is just prayer. Wondering if I have ‘enough’ faith, and wondering how to give thanks in all situations. I also have heard the phrase (a lot) about how I shouldn’t waste my cancer, and use it instead for other purposes. I think this particular reign of thought stems from John PIper. I don’t have anything against that perspective, but it’s hard, to think about things from that perspective, and in the same thought, the same breath, think about being a loving, gentle, firm, teaching father to a VERY active three year old. When I try to reconcile all these things into one idea that I can almost grasp, it gets shot apart by the unmistakable voice of my little boy asking me “are you still sick daddy?”. In the same instant he can grab my hand and hold it, or pat my back, or just snuggle up to me. At this point, all I can think about, and pray towards, is an end to this sickness, an end to the times that I have to go to the hospital and be pumped full of toxic drugs, and and to the same answer of ” yeah buddy, I’m still sick”. I can’t wait until I can rejoice with him and tell him I am no longer sick, that I can go outside and play in 90 degree weather with 85% humidity, that I can take him to the zoo whenever we want to go. I just can’t wait to tell him thank you for praying almost every night for me to get better.

I want to be able to tell him of how God hears our prayers, and how he answers them, and listens to us, and wants to use us to further his kingdom, and how that means we sacrifice some things . . . and in the same breath, I wonder why it is so hard to teach him those things now. Why is it so hard for me to teach about the same loving God, who is the same whether I stay sick, or whether He chooses to heal me?

My head, on these post chemo brain wake-up moments, tend to be full of all these thoughts that clash against each other, grating against one another and competing for time, and singular validity, even though they all deserve merit, and in most cases, are all solid – and thus again, here I am trying to make sense out of them at nearly 1am in the morning.

I am also confronted by changes I have seen in myself in the last few weeks/months. I try to pay attention to these, wondering if they are due to drugs I am on, treatment options, depression, etc. What can I say, I like to analyze! The latest one I have started picking over, has been my ability to socialize, or to interact with other people. I feel somewhat stressed by this as of late (part of it could be that I was just laid up for a week, and that makes any kind of interaction hard). I find it hard to want to spend time with a lot of people, even friends whom I am a huge fans of, and have been for years. I justify my seemingly new desire to be a hermit by telling myself that it’s hard to plan a time to hang out (which is partially true, due to my body deciding it’s own course of action these days). I also tell myself that I should spend that time with Quinn and Wendy, that I should soak up as much time with them as I possibly can. And once again, in the same breath that I make excuses for not wanting to see people, I wonder how that train of action is beneficial to Christ’s Kingdom, how my excuses to stay in do nothing to further relationships, or minister to others, or even contribute to community. I argue with myself that I have a legit reason to spend as much time (in a clear state of mind I might add) with wendy and quinn, that if this cancer is going to be terminal, then I would want to have spent as much time with the two people who matter the most to me. But then I argue again, that if I am going to live life that way, assuming that things are going to end for the worse, then I shouldn’t bother with a lot of church, or faith issues, or anything else, because I obviously have decided how things are going to turn out, and everything else would be a waste of time.

But one of the things that is essential in our family life is the sense of community, and how our lives are enriched by those we talk to and visit with, how our views are stretched and challenged, and how we are pressed to be better people, better parents, better spouses. So then I must assume that my reasons for not wanting to engage are selfish, and to some degree unreasonable.

sigh.

My brain is such a busy active field tonight, and I hope that soon, it quiets down a little so I can garner a good eight hours of deep restful sleep, so that tomorrow, I can spend the day with Quinn, take care of the house for wendy, and perhaps even get to visit with some friends tomorrow evening. Thank you for indulging me with my random ramblings this evening, my head space feels a lot better already...

Changes

Posted by wendy on August 10, 2010

Tuesdays after chemo are special days around here. Emmett exits the chemo haze and, in many senses of the word, comes back to life. I joke that on chemo he gets to learn how the rest of us live. I’m no longer the only person who walks to the end of the house and can’t remember why. It’s almost funny to see his brain turn on after being so foggy for a week, but it’s refreshing as well. We both struggle on chemo weeks (Wed-Mon) with a greater sense of what we’re up against. Tuesdays like today are a bit of a reprieve from the struggle. Emmett still isn’t 100% when he’s not on chemo, but he has come a long way for someone who didn’t get out of bed hardly at all this spring. The last chemo recovery was so rough, that I was nervous about what to expect this round, but Emmett is doing really well so far. The last month or so I’ve backed off and given him more responsibility for taking care of his own meds, and he seems to be getting better at reading his body signals.

Today was the first official day back to work for me. The students come back next Tuesday, but we had meetings today and the annual back to school picnic this evening. This time of year always brings mixed emotions, excitement over new things beginning and a touch of nervousness about the workload. My emotions are especially mixed this year. I am looking forward to the students that I’ll have in my classes, but I’ve spent some time saying good bye to some pretty amazing former students. I’m excited about being back in the classroom and having a normal schedule again, but I fear that the schedule will be exhausting, especially during chemo weeks.

There are many practical details to work out on our end. We’re unsure of exactly how much Emmett will be able to watch Quinn on the good weeks. We’re praying over where Quinn needs to be, but our spirits don’t really have peace about the ideas we’ve come up with so far. There are some practical things we need to decide, about car and house maintenance for example, that keep distracting us. We’re not really anxious about those decisions individually, but the sum total is overwhelming when we think too much about them.

Pray for us to not lose focus on the author and perfecter of our faith. I find myself immensely distracted these days, longing for some of the peaceful quiet moments we had this summer. Pray that we would know the truth to which we are called and live faithfully in that truth. good night.

A Very Real and Pressing Need

Posted by emmett on August 13, 2010

A lot of people ask us how they can help. We are blessed to have so many people who care about us, and want to offer their time, or services to help us, encourage us, connect with us, or just love on us. Sometimes we don’t really have an answer to that question because other than just needing lots of prayer constantly, our needs are being met on just about every level. This, however, is a post about a need we have for this upcoming week; August 16 – 22.

Normally, during a chemo week, my mom will drive up from atlanta the night before chemo, and stay with us through the whole ordeal. It’s super helpful because we have someone to watch Quinn while we’re at Vandy, doing bloodwork, meeting the oncologist and getting hammered with Chemo. It’s also helpful (especially this time) because Wendy has to go to work the first half of the day, so we still have someone to watch Quinn AND I basically sleep for two or so days straight, so Wendy (or my mom) wakes me up to administer meds every couple hours so I don’t crash. That’s the rough version.

This time around, there’s a good chance my mom is not going to be here due to illness (because on chemo, the common cold can be treacherous for my compromised immune system). So we are in need of someone (or someones) to help us out. It would be ideal if someone wanted to stay with us, at the very least, Wednesday through Saturday/Sunday morning. We do have a guest room, so that part is easy! If for some reason we can’t work that out, then if someone(s) wanted to just do a day or two, that would help. The hardest stretch is while I am hooked up to chemo, wed – Friday because I really do sleep most all of it, and have to be woken up, and usually given the meds, upon which shortly thereafter I pass out again until the next time I need meds.

So if you have been pondering about how you might be able to help us out, this is a very real and huge need in our lives. It’s the nuts and bolts of everything we go through, not to mention the roughest stretch of time during the fight against cancer. Please feel free to email me: emmettstall@gmail.com and we can talk more about it. I can give more specific details (i.e., the meds rotation, wendy’s schedule, Quinn’s schedule, whatever) and we can dialog more about what it would look like.

We are greatly appreciative of all of you that have helped us so far, and we are thankful to have so many that we can call our friends through this all. Thank you, again.

An Answer to Prayer

Posted by emmett on August 14, 2010

It’s Saturday evening here, we’re winding down the day, which means Quinn is running as fast as he possibly can from one end of the house to the other. No, literally, that’s what he’s doing, and mimicing a race car, including squealing tires as he comes to a stop just inches from the wall where I’m sitting. It is hilarious to watch!

So in response to our last blog post, we were contacted by a friend of ours who read the post, and has made arrangements to come and stay with us Tuesday through Friday. It is a blessing, to say the least, to have those needs met next week, especially with wendy starting to teach next week, it’s going to be a learning curve for all of us here at the house. We’ll have to learn how to balance wendy being gone half days, teaching, and me being on chemo, and still needing meds in the middle of the night. Our hope and prayer is that we would find a balance in our home life, that doesn’t stress wendy out, and that also figures in some good sleep for her to be able to function at school.

Thanks so much for praying with us for next week! And don’t forget, The concert is a little over two weeks away, so be sure to get your tickets before they’re gone!

A lot of hard

Posted by wendy on August 16, 2010

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the likeness of his Son (Romans 8:28-29).

Love is beautiful, but also terrible, terrible in its determination to allow nothing blemished or unholy to remain in the beloved. (loose quote from memory from Hinds Feet on High Places by Hannah Hurnard)

For many years now, I’ve prayed for God to do whatever it takes to make me more like him. It would appear that he’s doing just that, but as Emmett said the other night, “sometimes it’s hard, but lately it has just been a lot of hard.” Emmett has been struggling to sleep and having a lot of headaches. Some of the chemo side effects are more intense or lingering longer. And yet, the good moments are getting even better. Today we were able to take advantage of slightly lower temps and humidity to go to the zoo – the first time Emmett’s been since his diagnosis. He’s been able to watch Quinn some by himself this week while I’ve been at work. When Emmett is feeling good, he’s really good, but things often change on an hourly basis, so it’s hard for us to make concrete plans, even on his good weeks.

We definitely feel the Lord cutting away at our hearts, rebuking our sins, and granting us fathomless grace to meet the challenges each day. Since I started praying for God to make me more like him, though, I’ve always followed it with the prayer for God to be gentle because I am fragile and weak. Every day we see evidence of his gentleness in the people around us, in sweet moments together as a family, and in the transformation of our own hearts. In a way, this time is a blessing, though outwardly we are wasting away, inwardly we are being renewed day by day. We cry a lot, sometimes on a daily basis, because true sanctification is a painful process, but it is also a beautiful process, planting hope in the driest of deserts.

We’re two rounds into this set of chemos, with two more to go. It’s a hard place to be because the next CT scan is still far enough away to be discouraging. This Wednesday is chemo #11, so make sure that your Team Emmett gear is washed and ready to wear. As Emmett continues treatment the side effects get worse, as expected. Some side effects, like numbness in his extremities, may force us to delay or alter treatment even if the current treatment is still working. Any delay or alteration of treatment would be a huge mental setback. Emmett struggles daily to keep fighting and these side effects are constant reminders that time is crucial in our fight. Pray against the side effects, pray for continued, daily strength to run the race before us, and pray for wisdom to seek God and be patient with his timing.

We cannot express enough how grateful we are for your prayers. Thank you.

Wrapping Up Round #11

Posted by emmett on August 21, 2010

It’s late friday night, or rather early saturday morning, and here I am, on the backside of another round of chemotherapy. I wish I could say it gets easier, I wish I could say I am used to this by now, but it would be a lie. It get harder every time I have to go in and get pumped full of who knows what, knowing that it is going to lay me flat out for roughly a week. It gets harder on the backside of each chemo to keep the dark thoughts at bay, it gets harder to stay positive, and harder to press on, just so I can do it all over again.

I slept wednesday evening, through most of Thursday, and the first part of Friday. It was weird sleep, fraught with odd dreams, delusions, and a mingling of other things here and there. My brain is slowly waking up again, and is shaking off the chemo fuzzy headedness. I am already growing restless in our house, tired of being cooped up, but knowing that trying to push too hard this early will usually only delay my recovery. I am constantly learning the balance of pushing myself and resting up, and I hope and pray every round that I will cover faster, so as to spend the one week I have with my family, so that I can make the most of what little time I am given to love on wendy and Quinn before I am laid up again for a week. It is a brutal, and unforgiving cycle. I pray that these treatments will continue to work, to continue to remove the spots on my liver, to remove this cancer from inside me.

I am thankful for my friends, who call and email and encourage me, and if nothing else, just live life alongside of me, reminding me that there is more to it than worrying about cancer every waking moment. I am thankful for my wonderful wife, who watches over Quinn as I recoop, time after time, and I am thankful for Quinn, who asks me if I am still sick, who asks me questions about what the chemo does to me, and who gives the sweetest hugs and pats on the back. I still long to get behind the drumset again, to be able to play, and record, and to be able to tap into that part of me that God has designed in me.

On that note, I am going to curl up, pray, and hope that sleep envelopes me soon, so that I can make the most out of tomorrow with my wonderful family . . . and remember, it’s less than two weeks from Courage to Conquer Benefit concert, so be sure to grab your tickets, and be sure to spread the word to your friends, co-workers, family and whomever else you can think of. It will be an incredible evening to be sure! I am so looking forward to this!

cheers!

The Sacrament of the Present Moment

Posted by wendy on August 21, 2010

It is in these afflictions, which succeed one another each moment, that God, veiled and obscured, reveals himself, mysteriously bestowing his grace in a manner quite unrecognized by souls who feel only weakness in bearing their cross, distaste for performing their duty, and capable only of the most mediocre spiritual practices.

Jean-Pierre de Caussade, The Sacrament of the Present Moment

I promised Emmett that if I were going to quote something fancy like this book that I would also confess that I just forced him to watch Cinderella Story. Yes, the one with Hilary Duff. I’m strangely enthralled by super cheesy movies about high school that are simultaneously ridiculously awful and relentlessly optimistic. That confession being over, Emmett will now allow me to continue on another note.

Maybe I should post that quote again so that you can clear your head of some really bad movies that just popped into it.

It is in these afflictions, which succeed one another each moment, that God, veiled and obscured, reveals himself, mysteriously bestowing his grace in a manner quite unrecognized by souls who feel only weakness in bearing their cross, distaste for performing their duty, and capable only of the most mediocre spiritual practices.

Jean-Pierre de Caussade, The Sacrament of the Present Moment

I picked up this book on a whim tonight when I had the rare hour to be idle thanks to an amazingly gracious husband who put Quinn to bed. I read a few chapters with mixed feelings, but I was reminded that it is precisely in the disruption of our lives that God is most at work. It is in living each moment, especially the unpleasant ones, focused on our savior that we are sanctified. Small reminders like this help us keep going through rough weeks.

So I’ll leave you tonight with a prayer that de Caussade writes at the end of one of the chapters.

O Divine Love, conceal yourself, leap over our suffering, make us obedient! Mystify us, arouse and confuse us. Shatter all our illusions and plans so that we lose our way, and see neither path nor light until we have found you, where you are to be found and in your true form – in the peace of solitude, in prayer, in submission, in suffering, in succor given to another, and in flight from idle talk and worldly affairs. And, having tried all the known ways and means of pleasing you and not finding you any longer in any of them, we remain at a loss until, finally, the futility of all our efforts leads us at last to leave all to find you henceforth, you, yourself, everywhere and in all things without discrimination or reflection.

Jean-Pierre de Caussade, The Sacrament of the Present Moment

A reminder, and a short update

Posted by emmett on August 29, 2010

So we’ve been silent the past several days here on the blog, and so I’m here to break the short little silence up!

This past week has been a pretty good one overall, it’s had its shares of rough nights/mornings, but it has been a pleasant off week to say the least. I’ve been able to hang out with some good buddies of mine this week, and the weather was cool enough that I got to spend time outside goofing off with Quinn, doing some minor yard work, and in general just enjoying the out of doors. I so can’t wait for fall to get here. It is DEFINITELY my favorite season of all, and this year even more so. I have spent much of the summer indoors due to my in ability to handle the high temps well while I am on and off chemo.

Today is a particularly good day. For the first time since February, I sat behind my kit this week, early on, and got the chance to play for about an hour and a half. It was so much fun, to be able to swing sticks again, and to play, really play. Today I had the chance to serve on the worship team at our church (Grace Community Church). I have to admit, it was a gift to my soul, and my spirit to be able to worship through playing the drums again. I feel most grounded, most satisfied, most at home and in my ‘element’ when I can worship through playing. Somehow, the way I am wired, I have to worship while playing. It’s not that I just want to, or just really like, I have to. I was blessed by the Lord to be able to partake in worship like this again today, it was such a sweet, sweet time.

And lastly, but certainly not least . . .
This Tuesday, two days from now, is the Courage To Conquer Benefit Concert. You can still buy Pre-sale Tickets today, and monday, but monday evening at Midnight, those ticket sales will close, and you’ll have to wait and get them at the door. So be sure to hop online and get your tickets here so that you don’t have to wait in line and you can be sure to get there early enough to munch some Chick-fil-a sandwiches for dinner and peruse the Silent Auction tables and put your bids in early! All the seats are general admission, so you’ll want to be there when the doors open at 6:00!

So there you have it! It’s been a great week so far, and there’s a great concert that we’re looking forward to going to with an incredible line-up of musicians. Thanks again for following along with us, praying with us, for us, and encouraging us when things get rough here. We are so, so grateful for the community that has surrounded us, and that includes all of you!

Last Chance: Pre-sale ends at MIDNIGHT tonight!

Posted by emmett on August 30, 2010

So for all of you planning to come on out to the Courage to Conquer Concert tomorrow night, remember, if you don’t have your tickets yet, today is the last chance you’ll be able to buy them in advance. The pre-sale tickets will end tonight at midnight, and after that you’ll have to purchase them at the door before the show!

Also, remember that starting at 5:30, you can get Chick-fil-a sandwiches for dinner! You can also peruse the great Silent Auction items that will be available in the lobby and even grab your Team Emmett gear before it gets too crazy! Doors Open at 6:00 and things are going to get rolling at 6:30. Seating is General Admission, so first come first serve for your choice of seats.

Wendy and I, and Quinn of course, are all super excited about tomorrow night. We’re gearing up for an incredible evening of music from the amazing lineup that we have. As a side note, We will be streaming the concert LIVE on the web, so for all those who live too far away to travel, feel free to tune in and catch the show LIVE online tomorrow evening at 6:30 CST. We’ll post the link tomorrow for you to be able to find it SUPER easily. and, if you feel like you want to donate while you’re watching you can do so here.

We look forward to seeing as many of you who can make it tomorrow night. We’ll be there for sure, so make sure you say hey !

Tonight’s Concert!

Posted by emmett on August 31, 2010

Hopefully you’ve already pre-bought your tickets for tonights’ show. If not, you can still get them at the door tonight for $12. Remember to come early and grab some chick-fil-a, check out the awesome silent auction items, and be ready to grab your seat of choice when the doors open at 6:00 pm!!

For those of you who might live too far away to travel to the show, or are home with sick kids or can’t make it for some other reason, have no fear!! You can stream the concert LIVE tonight online by heading to this page. The pre-show broadcast will start at 6:00 pm CST, and the concert will crank up at 6:30 pm CST. So feel free to tune in, catch the show, and be a part of everything from wherever you may be tonight! We’ll miss seeing you at the show, but are super excited to be able to offer this alternative for you !!

Thanks again, so much, to the countless volunteers who have already started setting up this morning, and for those who are there all day, and the tons of people who will be there tonight helping with parking, set changes, production, sound, the Team Emmett wear table, Silent auction teams and the countless others who are working behind the scenes to make things run smoothly this evening. We are super excited to see everyone tonight, and can’t wait to kick things off!

See you at The Warehouse!!

Stream the Courage to Conquer Benefit Concert LIVE :: 6:00pm CST :: http://video.worshipstream.com/channel/teamemmett