Round Six

Posted by emmett on June 2, 2010

So, Tomorrow, well, wait, it’s just past midnight, so Today, is round 6 for me. I am headed back into the hospital for another physically exhausting round of Chemo. I have to admit, I am looking forward to this one less than any of the others. I have tried to put my finger on why I suddenly am not a fan of chemo (not that I was looking forward to it exactly, but I was ready to work on annihilating this cancer). The only reason I can come up with is that this last round was particularly rough for me. I slept more than I have before, and after I was de-accessed on Friday, I cried a lot, and just generally felt a lot more down than I have before. It was really rough, trust me.

Chemo is a very lonely place to be for me. I met with a friend for ice cream today, and I told him the following. If you’re a Harry Potter fan, or at least have seen the movies, then you might remember this scene. In the Fifth movie (The Order of the Phoenix) there is a scene towards the end, where Harry and Dumbledore are fighting Voldemort. Right at the end, Voldemort somehow gets inside harry, in his mind, and Harry is writhing on the floor, while Voldemort is torturing him, and trying to get Harry to give up. Harry has flashbacks to painful moments in his life, and then these are followed by all the moments he treasures and holds dear. Memories of family, friendship, the bonds of brotherhood, etc. The entire time, Dumbledore can do nothing more than sit by Harry, encouraging him and waiting for Harry to come out of it.

Chemo is like that for me. I feel gross, nauseaus, weak, worn out, and towards the end of chemo, I am wracked with memories of times spent with Quinn and wendy, and times spent with dear dear friends. These moments usually bring tears to my eyes. The whole time I am going through it, wendy is here, and she is the voice I hear encouraging me, she holds my hands, or strokes my head, or just lays beside me, lending encouragment through words, touch and just sheer presence. It’s hard though, because the fight with chemo is still so internal, and it just stinks.

I would ask for your prayers for this round. Specifically that I would recover much sooner after the chemo is out of me on Friday. That my mind would cling to truth, and cling to those things that are certain, and not things which we do not know. and for my family: my wife as she cares for me around the clock, my son as the family dynamic is turned on its head for several days, and for my mom who is here in town, taking care of Quinn and Wendy and helping relieve the burden of taking care of the house for a few days. Your prayers greatly encourage me, and spur me on to fight that much harder. So feel free to drop me a line here on the blog, email me (emmettstall@gmail.com), Send me a Facebook message, post pictures of your Team Emmett wear on the Team Emmett Facebook page, or whatever else you can think of. I always look forward to, and thrive off of those notes during these next several days of seeming despair.

Thank you all for your love, and for your support, and for your prayers.

Hope for the weary

Posted by wendy on June 7, 2010

A few weeks ago we were discussing some financial matters with an elder and friend, and he put things into perspective very simply by saying, “None of us are promised tomorrow or next week or next year, you just happen to be very aware of that truth.” I suppose it’s the constant awareness, the perception of our potentially limited time together, that makes life so exhausting.

This round of chemo has been good, though it’s strange to notice how my perception of good has changed substantially these last few months. Overall, Emmett has been able to get out of bed every day for long periods of time without throwing up. That alone is cause for great rejoicing. He has been able to tolerate more food, run a few short errands, and enjoy some time with family and friends. Consequently, our spirits have been somewhat lighter than usual. But the reminders will come, like this evening when we were out running errands. We stopped to get Emmett a snack between errands, and as I was helping Quinn, Emmett swallowed a bite of food that got stuck on the tumor. He was in a great deal of pain for several minutes until the food passed, and then we were both a little more quiet and anxious for the rest of the evening.

For weeks, I’ve been living in despair, without any concrete hope for our circumstances. I have the generic Biblical hope that God is good, that he will triumph, that justice and mercy will both be satisfied, etc… But specific hope that God is actively at work to heal Emmett has been elusive at best. That all changed for me Wednesday after chemo when God answered an anguished prayer in a way that was simultaneously simple and stunning. It’s not much, but hope is now the dominant resident of my heart. I don’t presume to know God’s will, but I am grateful this week that he has given me what I most need.

Adjusting

Posted by emmett on June 12, 2010

This last round of chemo was surprisingly one of the best rounds yet. I was able to spend close to half of each day that I was hooked up out of bed, and then the three days after, when I am usually very lethargic and trying to bounce back, I could actually be up all day, and even take short outings here and there. This was all such a blessing, and such a nice change from the previous rounds. It was especially nice since the round before this one was one of the worst rounds I had ever had. The downside to this one being easier on the rebound time is that I have been pushing it extremely hard this week, too hard on a couple of the days.

Somehow I got it into my brain that I could operate closer to normal status, normal being what I was doing before I was laid up in the hospital. I spent Tuesday doing things around the house, kicking back, and even skipping some of my meds (and still did fabulously). Wednesday, Wendy and I dropped off Quinn at his mothers morning out program that he does one day a week (we affectionately call it school, and he loves it!) and then we spent the day together, driving around nashville, visiting some of our favorite stores unhindered by either of us having to watch out for curious little hands in these stores. We even had lunch out! It was such a fun date day for us. The flipside, is I pushed it hard all day, loving the time I was spending with my wife, skipping some of my meds here and there, but also just pushing it physically. Thursday morning, and the rest of Thursday honestly, was rough. I spent a lot of the day sitting, some of it laying, I even napped a good deal on thursday, because I was so worn out from the previous day.

I am having to learn to pace myself, more so than I have in the past. because right now, my body can’t just sleep off the long day, and bounce back. It takes me the entire next day to rebound from a long day where I have pushed limits for myself physically. I am getting better at pacing myself to be able to make it through a day, but I am not good at pacing myself so that on weeks that I am in between chemo, and really able to live life, that I can take advantage of as many days as possible. It’s a hard lesson to learn for me. I am used to going full tilt till the day ends, or until the project is over, etc. It’s just another one of those things I have to get used to, another way that things have changed since cancer has entered our lives here.

Faith to persevere

Posted by wendy on June 15, 2010

James 1: 2-4

²Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, ³because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. ⁴Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

I suppose if there were a book of the Bible to hate, it would be James. I mean, seriously. I have to like trials, not play favorites, watch what I say, and he just keeps going with more zingers. Reading James is always like a punch to the gut. It’s like you get to the end of the New testament, and then James shows up saying, “so you think you really love Jesus, huh, well I’ve got some news for you…”

These verses have been bouncing around in my head for some time, and I can’t seem to get them out. The first few weeks in the hospital, we were surrounded by such an overflow of love and support. People couldn’t find enough to do, and I remember asking them to wait a few months. Shortly after finding out how bad Emmett’s cancer was, I couldn’t shake the thought that this trial could last years, and strangely enough my biggest fear was that our friends and our church would get tired of us needing help, that we would become those people with cancer that others ask about in polite conversation but gradually drift away from. In praying through that fear, I’ve come to think a great deal about how we walk together in community through sustained periods of trial. And I can’t really get further than gratitude.

I used to speak eloquently in very stupid platitudes about how people act and why people act and what’s wrong with everyone in general. But with Emmett’s sickness, I’ve begun to understand that the only true generality is that we are all sinners in need of God’s grace, not just to save us, but to live every moment outside of ourselves. I’m learning to open the eyes of my heart before responding to people and not respond to them based on some erroneous judgment I have already made about the full extent of their faults. In many ways, I’m seeing the grace of God at work in my heart to change me, and I find my heart strangely thankful and light. My prayer lately has been that I would live victoriously, that sin would not hold sway in my heart, and that the Spirit of God would enable me to walk in the newness of life promised in Christ.

These last few days have been very hard. For the first time in over a month, Emmett actually spent some time throwing up yesterday and today, and these are supposed to be his good days. The emotional and mental anxiety this causes is unparalleled. We keep asking ourselves if this means the chemo is not working or that he’s getting worse. We’re hoping that Emt’s just recovering from pushing himself so hard the last week or so, but it’s hard for us not to dwell on what could be. Regardless, we go in tomorrow for round 7 of chemo. Perseverance is what we need right now. God is at work redeeming all things for his good, to make us more like him. When we can’t see his good, we need faith to persevere. So bust out your Team Emmett wear for tomorrow. Pray anything and everything you can think of for us, but especially pray for the faith to persevere and live victoriously in the midst of suffering.

Round 7 – the other side.

Posted by emmett on June 18, 2010

It’s friday evening, and I’m looking at the upswing side of this latest round of Chemo. I have finally realized that no two rounds of chemo are going to be the same, and trying to gauge one chemo against another only makes things more frustrating. This last round has been one with more nausea than the others, mainly due to more nasal drainage than normal. Fortunately The docs also gave me some nasal spray to help cut down on it, which has been one of the things that helped me sleep the last night or so.

If anything, it’s always nice to be on this side of chemo. There’s something to be said for my mental state, knowing I survived another round of lethal junk being pumped into my system. I like the idea too of having another week with my family, Lord willing. This coming week is a big one for us. This Thursday I have the opportunity to play a gig her in Nashville. The first gig I have played since February. I am super excited at the chance to play again, and even more excited that a lot of my family will be coming into town for it. After that gig, we will be celebrating Quinn’s third birthday this Saturday. I am so excited, and I am looking forward to being a part of that celebration.

I am praying that this week will be a good one, that I will have energy to sustain all week long, and that I will be able to be a part of all of these exciting events this week. It is, to say the least, a landmark week, with all that has been going on these past several months. I can’t wait to update you all with the details of the show and Quinn’s Birthday. I am also looking forward to sharing some pictures of it all as well.

Thanks again, as always for your prayers and support. They have been felt and we are grateful for all of them. Thank you so very much.

Just another week with cancer

Posted by wendy on June 21, 2010

So I’m sitting here at S.I.R. rehearsal studios, watching Emmett rehearse for a show on Thursday night. Getting here was a bit of an ordeal, as we weren’t sure he was going to be up for the rehearsal, but we’re here, and it’s like he’s turned on a switch. Something about being around music seems to help him. No one else bring their wives to rehearsal to baby sit them, so my presence is probably an uncomfortable reminder that things are still a bit odd. I remember the first weeks in the hospital, he didn’t want to hear music. He still doesn’t like to listen to music during chemo, as he doesn’t like to taint his favorite music with memories of cancer.

Because I knew Emmett before he was a musician, I sometimes forget that he plays drums and percussion for a living. I also forget that he’s good. It sounds silly to say he can play a tambourine well, but man, can he play a tambourine (among other things, as well, he just happens to be rocking the tambourine at this moment)! If you’re in or around Nashville this Thursday night, you should come to the Rutledge around 8:30. Not only will you get to hear Emmett play, but you’ll get to hear him play with Jessica Roadcap, an amazingly talented young country artist. Our family will be there en masse, even little Quinn, who has been attending daddy’s shows in town since he was just weeks old.

We’re learning the meaning of living in the moment, not irresponsibly neglecting our calling, but being aware that each moment is different, a gift. We’re learning how to live with direction, but without presumption. It’s strange, something we’re not used to, but we are finding new joys as we are continually remade in the image of our creator.

Bring on the drama

Posted by wendy on June 23, 2010

So we went to the ER again tonight, as many of you know from our facebook status updates, but this time it was for Quinn, and not for Emmett. We were enjoying one last super chill day before family visits and shows and birthdays brought some joyful chaos to our lives. Emmett was doing some light percussion tracking in his studio. Quinn and I were hanging out with him, but we decided to go play outside, maybe hook up the sprinkler. I sent Quinn to get his shoes, and he ran into the living room. Following behind him to get my own shoes, I saw him fall face first onto the rug, not even catching himself. The smack his head made was painful just to hear. I assumed he tripped, as he inherited my graceful coordination, and I went to get him. He had just started to cry when I picked him up, and he went into a full fledged seizure. Now he’s had a couple febrile seizures in the past, and we know how to handle those with relative calm, but the fall, in combination with the facts that he’d had no fever and the seizure started as soon as I picked him up, convinced me that he’d hurt his head and picking him up had made it worse. Basically I thought I might have killed or paralyzed my son (and yes, I know I wasn’t really thinking clearly at the time). So we ended up taking a ride to Vanderbilt Children’s Hospital in a shiny ambulance with several burly firemen.

It was hard to leave Emmett at the house while I rode with Quinn because I knew the anxiety Emmett was feeling, not to mention the full sprint he’d made through the house to come to our aid, would complicate his symptoms. Emmett did an awesome job of taking care of himself, though, and a friend brought him in our car to the hospital soon after. Shortly after our arrival at the ER, Quinn’s fever spiked, thus causing the doctors to conclude that the seizure caused the fall, as seizures can occur before the fever sets in. They gave him some tylenol and watched him for a few hours before sending us home. Boy did I feel like a bit of a schmuck for overreacting.

Seeing as we hadn’t eaten in quite some time, we stopped by our favorite Chick-fil-a on the way home to pick up a late dinner, at which point Emmett reminded me to order the party trays for Quinn’s birthday party this weekend. I did so, though I felt a bit odd. I mean, who stops on the way home from the ER to order some chicken nugget party trays? Apparently we do. We, the parents, who swore we wouldn’t be those parents that throw crazy parties for their kids every birthday, have become those parents. Somewhere along the way this year I decided that some things are worth the drama. And this year, for us, birthday parties are definitely worth the drama; ER visits are not.

The Concert

Posted by emmett on June 26, 2010

So we have some exciting news to share with you!!

For a couple of months now, TeamEmmett has been putting the details together for a Benefit Concert. The exciting news is we are far enough along to unveil the details and start announcing the show! The show will take place on August 31, at 6:30 pm at The Warehouse at Rolling Hills Community Church (view map). Tickets are $10 in advance, and $12 at the door, Kids 5 and under are free. If you’re buying your tickets online in advance (paypal or credit card), make sure to print off your ticket and bring it with you, that will be your ticket to get into the show! You can buy tickets by clicking here, or by going to The Concert tab at the top of the page.

The most exciting part is that there are going to be some GREAT artists performing. Headlining the show are 33 Miles and Pocket Full of Rocks, with special guest Amy Grant. There will also be performances from Chad Jarnagin and Ben Shive. I am super excited about hearing all of these great artists on one stage! In addition to all this great music, there will also be Chick-fil-a sandwiches, drinks and snacks available to purchase. There will also be a silent auction. Some of the items up for auction include; Free Chick-fil-a for a year, Artwork, Free 6 month YMCA membership, and my personal favorite – Drum Gear! All of the proceeds from the food and the silent auction will go to the Team Emmett Fund. So plan to come early and grab dinner (food can be purchased starting at 5:30), Doors open at 6:00 so you’ll have time to check out the Silent auction and grab a seat for the show. We will also have Team Emmett Wear for sale, in case you still need to pick up a shirt or a pair of wristbands.

It’s going to be a great night, to say the least! We have some incredibly generous sponsors who have helped make this possible, not to mention the artists who are donating their time to put on a killer show. So come on out, Join the Team, and kick back and listen to some incredible music! Feel free to spread the word about the show. You can even copy the image below and post it on your blogs, your facebook page or myspace page!

I look forward to seeing you at the show!

Chemo #8

Posted by wendy on June 29, 2010

I hope by now that you are used to the drill – tomorrow is chemo number 8, which means two things:

1. Bust out your Team Emmett wear tomorrow (Wednesday) and pray like mad for the poison to kill the cancer.

2. This is the last chemo before the next scan on July 12th, so pray for encouraging news, specifically that the cancer would leave the liver.

On a side note, we have been bombarded lately with some house things. After deciding to move forward with the pre-cancer plans we had for sprucing up our bedroom, we’ve since had to get some plumbing work done, and it looks like we’re going to have to replace our HVAC system very soon. We do major house things so infrequently, and it usually takes us so long to make decisions, that we’re a bit overwhelmed by how quickly so many things seem to be happening. We would appreciate general prayers for wisdom, as well as prayers that nothing else on our house would break in the near future.

Thank you so much for your love and prayers. We are blessed a thousand times over by such wonderful friends.

Oh – and on a side note, I’m going to be sporting the new girl t shirt to chemo tomorrow, and I highly recommend it for all you ladies out there!

Insomnia

Posted by wendy on June 30, 2010

After giving Emmett medications at 4 am this morning, I found it somewhat strange to be unable to fall asleep since most days I’m so tired that I can lie down and fall asleep instantly at almost any time of day. So I thought for a while thinking I’d fall bask asleep, then I prayed for a while because that usually puts me back to sleep (should I confess that in public?), then I emailed for a while to get some things off my mind. Finally, I laid back down, but I was so ridiculously joyful that I felt like getting up and dancing a jig. I mean, seriously, who is awake at 5 am on a chemo morning with less than 4 hours of sleep and happy about it? Well, I suppose I wasn’t exactly happy about it, since I was trying so hard to get back to sleep, but there was definitely an unmistakable joy in my heart.

So I finally got up, made a cup of tea, had a quiet time, made breakfast, and now I’m waiting for everyone else to wake up too. I’ve been really grouchy recently, ironically because I’ve indulged the excuse that I don’t get enough sleep, which, though true, does not make me an exception to Christ’s command to love my neighbor. But this morning I rejoice that he has given me freedom from this particular sinful indulgence and some joy to go along with it. I just pray that he answers the second half of my rather annoyed prayer when I got out of bed this morning that went something like, “Lord, if you’re going to get me out of bed at this ridiculous hour, you could at least pony up a good quiet time and help me not be grouchy this afternoon when I’m so tired I’m barely conscious.” He answered the first part (though with some serious, though cleansing, repentance attached), so now I’m just waiting for the answer to the second half.

May you have a day filled with God’s grace to overcome your particular sinful indulgences, and may we lift each other up in prayer to love and live better today. I know we need a lot of that grace today.