So we’ve been silent the past several days here on the blog, and so I’m here to break the short little silence up!

This past week has been a pretty good one overall, it’s had its shares of rough nights/mornings, but it has been a pleasant off week to say the least. I’ve been able to hang out with some good buddies of mine this week, and the weather was cool enough that I got to spend time outside goofing off with Quinn, doing some minor yard work, and in general just enjoying the out of doors. I so can’t wait for fall to get here. It is DEFINITELY my favorite season of all, and this year even more so. I have spent much of the summer indoors due to my in ability to handle the high temps well while I am on and off chemo.

Today is a particularly good day. For the first time since February, I sat behind my kit this week, early on, and got the chance to play for about an hour and a half. It was so much fun, to be able to swing sticks again, and to play, really play. Today I had the chance to serve on the worship team at our church (Grace Community Church). I have to admit, it was a gift to my soul, and my spirit to be able to worship through playing the drums again. I feel most grounded, most satisfied, most at home and in my ‘element’ when I can worship through playing. Somehow, the way I am wired, I have to worship while playing. It’s not that I just want to, or just really like, I have to. I was blessed by the Lord to be able to partake in worship like this again today, it was such a sweet, sweet time.

And lastly, but certainly not least . . .
This Tuesday, two days from now, is the Courage To Conquer Benefit Concert. You can still buy Pre-sale Tickets today, and monday, but monday evening at Midnight, those ticket sales will close, and you’ll have to wait and get them at the door. So be sure to hop online and get your tickets here so that you don’t have to wait in line and you can be sure to get there early enough to munch some Chick-fil-a sandwiches for dinner and peruse the Silent Auction tables and put your bids in early! All the seats are general admission, so you’ll want to be there when the doors open at 6:00!

So there you have it! It’s been a great week so far, and there’s a great concert that we’re looking forward to going to with an incredible line-up of musicians. Thanks again for following along with us, praying with us, for us, and encouraging us when things get rough here. We are so, so grateful for the community that has surrounded us, and that includes all of you!

It is in these afflictions, which succeed one another each moment, that God, veiled and obscured, reveals himself, mysteriously bestowing his grace in a manner quite unrecognized by souls who feel only weakness in bearing their cross, distaste for performing their duty, and capable only of the most mediocre spiritual practices.

Jean-Pierre de Caussade, The Sacrament of the Present Moment

I promised Emmett that if I were going to quote something fancy like this book that I would also confess that I just forced him to watch Cinderella Story. Yes, the one with Hilary Duff. I’m strangely enthralled by super cheesy movies about high school that are simultaneously ridiculously awful and relentlessly optimistic. That confession being over, Emmett will now allow me to continue on another note.

Maybe I should post that quote again so that you can clear your head of some really bad movies that just popped into it.

It is in these afflictions, which succeed one another each moment, that God, veiled and obscured, reveals himself, mysteriously bestowing his grace in a manner quite unrecognized by souls who feel only weakness in bearing their cross, distaste for performing their duty, and capable only of the most mediocre spiritual practices.

Jean-Pierre de Caussade, The Sacrament of the Present Moment

I picked up this book on a whim tonight when I had the rare hour to be idle thanks to an amazingly gracious husband who put Quinn to bed.  I read a few chapters with mixed feelings, but I was reminded that it is precisely in the disruption of our lives that God is most at work.  It is in living each moment, especially the unpleasant ones, focused on our savior that we are sanctified.  Small reminders like this help us keep going through rough weeks.

So I’ll leave you tonight with a prayer that de Caussade writes at the end of one of the chapters.

O Divine Love, conceal yourself, leap over our suffering, make us obedient!  Mystify us, arouse and confuse us.  Shatter all our illusions and plans so that we lose our way, and see neither path nor light until we have found you, where you are to be found and in your true form – in the peace of solitude, in prayer, in submission, in suffering, in succor given to another, and in flight from idle talk and worldly affairs.  And, having tried all the known ways and means of pleasing you and not finding you any longer in any of them, we remain at a loss until, finally, the futility of all our efforts leads us at last to leave all to find you henceforth, you, yourself, everywhere and in all things without discrimination or reflection.

Jean-Pierre de Caussade, The Sacrament of the Present Moment

It’s late friday night, or rather early saturday morning, and here I am, on the backside of another round of chemotherapy. I wish I could say it gets easier, I wish I could say I am used to this by now, but it would be a lie. It get harder every time I have to go in and get pumped full of who knows what, knowing that it is going to lay me flat out for roughly a week. It gets harder on the backside of each chemo to keep the dark thoughts at bay, it gets harder to stay positive, and harder to press on, just so I can do it all over again.

I slept wednesday evening, through most of Thursday, and the first part of Friday. It was weird sleep, fraught with odd dreams, delusions, and a mingling of other things here and there. My brain is slowly waking up again, and is shaking off the chemo fuzzy headedness. I am already growing restless in our house, tired of being cooped up, but knowing that trying to push too hard this early will usually only delay my recovery. I am constantly learning the balance of pushing myself and resting up, and I hope and pray every round that I will cover faster, so as to spend the one week I have with my family, so that I can make the most of what little time I am given to love on wendy and Quinn before I am laid up again for a week. It is a brutal, and unforgiving cycle. I pray that these treatments will continue to work, to continue to remove the spots on my liver, to remove this cancer from inside me.

I am thankful for my friends, who call and email and encourage me, and if nothing else, just live life alongside of me, reminding me that there is more to it than worrying about cancer every waking moment. I am thankful for my wonderful wife, who watches over Quinn as I recoop, time after time, and I am thankful for Quinn, who asks me if I am still sick, who asks me questions about what the chemo does to me, and who gives the sweetest hugs and pats on the back. I still long to get behind the drumset again, to be able to play, and record, and to be able to tap into that part of me that God has designed in me.

On that note, I am going to curl up, pray, and hope that sleep envelopes me soon, so that I can make the most out of tomorrow with my wonderful family . . . and remember, it’s less than two weeks from Courage to Conquer Benefit concert, so be sure to grab your tickets, and be sure to spread the word to your friends, co-workers, family and whomever else you can think of. It will be an incredible evening to be sure! I am so looking forward to this!

cheers!

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the likeness of his Son (Romans 8:28-29).

Love is beautiful, but also terrible, terrible in its determination to allow nothing blemished or unholy to remain in the beloved. (loose quote from memory from Hinds Feet on High Places by Hannah Hurnard)

For many years now, I’ve prayed for God to do whatever it takes to make me more like him.  It would appear that he’s doing just that, but as Emmett said the other night, “sometimes it’s hard, but lately it has just been a lot of hard.”  Emmett has been struggling to sleep and having a lot of headaches.  Some of the chemo side effects are more intense or lingering longer.  And yet, the good moments are getting even better.  Today we were able to take advantage of slightly lower temps and humidity to go to the zoo – the first time Emmett’s been since his diagnosis.  He’s been able to watch Quinn some by himself this week while I’ve been at work.  When Emmett is feeling good, he’s really good, but things often change on an hourly basis, so it’s hard for us to make concrete plans, even on his good weeks.

We definitely feel the Lord cutting away at our hearts, rebuking our sins, and granting us fathomless grace to meet the challenges each day.  Since I started praying for God to make me more like him, though, I’ve always followed it with the prayer for God to be gentle because I am fragile and weak.  Every day we see evidence of his gentleness in the people around us, in sweet moments together as a family, and in the transformation of our own hearts.  In a way, this time is a blessing, though outwardly we are wasting away, inwardly we are being renewed day by day.  We cry a lot, sometimes on a daily basis, because true sanctification is a painful process, but it is also a beautiful process, planting hope in the driest of deserts.

We’re two rounds into this set of chemos, with two more to go.  It’s a hard place to be because the next CT scan is still far enough away to be discouraging.  This Wednesday is chemo #11, so make sure that your Team Emmett gear is washed and ready to wear.  As Emmett continues treatment the side effects get worse, as expected.  Some side effects, like numbness in his extremities, may force us to delay or alter treatment even if the current treatment is still working.  Any delay or alteration of treatment would be a huge mental setback.  Emmett struggles daily to keep fighting and these side effects are constant reminders that time is crucial in our fight.  Pray against the side effects, pray for continued, daily strength to run the race before us, and pray for wisdom to seek God and be patient with his timing.

We cannot express enough how grateful we are for your prayers.  Thank you.

It’s Saturday evening here, we’re winding down the day, which means Quinn is running as fast as he possibly can from one end of the house to the other. No, literally, that’s what he’s doing, and mimicing a race car, including squealing tires as he comes to a stop just inches from the wall where I’m sitting. It is hilarious to watch!

So in response to our last blog post, we were contacted by a friend of ours who read the post, and has made arrangements to come and stay with us Tuesday through Friday. It is a blessing, to say the least, to have those needs met next week, especially with wendy starting to teach next week, it’s going to be a learning curve for all of us here at the house. We’ll have to learn how to balance wendy being gone half days, teaching, and me being on chemo, and still needing meds in the middle of the night. Our hope and prayer is that we would find a balance in our home life, that doesn’t stress wendy out, and that also figures in some good sleep for her to be able to function at school.

Thanks so much for praying with us for next week! And don’t forget, The concert is a little over two weeks away, so be sure to get your tickets before they’re gone!